Snowshoeing saved my life a couple winters ago. Not literally saved my life but figuratively. I don’t know how I would have survived that cold, dark, snowy winter without this sport. Here is my story.
Take care of your body; take care of your mind. Seems like a pretty simple concept right. Studies have shown over the years an overwhelming link between positive mental health and a healthy fitness regime. I think I have pretty good fitness; I eat well, snowshoe in the winter, swim and hike in the summer and although I may not be able to enter any fitness competitions anytime soon; I feel as I am in good shape. I also have a pretty good life. I have great family, two wonderful kids, a great job, a great home and generally things are going right.
So why was it that I was crying in my shower every day? Why was I feeling immense frustration when my children simply spilled a glass of water on the floor? Turns out depression can hit you out of nowhere and boy did it come at me hard. I was shocked and somewhat relieved to be diagnosed with depression at the start of the snowshoe season.
My first thoughts were “I am that statistic’, that one that says 1 in 5 Canadians will develop a mental illness in their lives. Mental illness is no stranger in my life though. My brother and sister have both been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.
Depression can look different to everyone. For me it was the struggle to pull myself out of bed and get my kids off to school. It was then when I wanted to sink back into bed and sleep the day away. Depression for me was wanting to hide inside whenever it got cold out. It was not wanting to snowshoe or ski or do anything physical. Depression made me sad and unmotivated.
Part of my job is to snowshoe, to explore new places, to try out new snowshoes and to write about it. I was forced to strap those snowshoes on for the good of everyone who might read something I wrote about. I couldn’t sit trapped indoors writing about a sport that I wasn’t even participating in. I couldn’t ‘fake’ it. I wanted to fake it, I wanted to hole up in my bed and invent a world in which I was motivated to get out there. I had this pivotal moment in which I didn’t know what I was going to choose. I was lying in bed no longer able to sleep, still dark outside. I needed to find a way to get out of the house. So I dragged myself to the door and layered on my winter clothing, grumbling to myself about how cold it was outside. I started outside to try and get some clarity on things. I noticed my snowshoes leaning on the door and as there was a fresh layer of snow on the ground, I decided to stick them on.
It was the best decision of my life. As I trekked along my silent street in freshly fallen snow, streetlights still on, I began to feel better. I breathed in the fresh air, I looked back to see my sole tracks behind me, I watched the sun begin to rise across the horizon. I walked for an hour along the back city streets and watched the world wake up. I saw people get up and brush off their cars, I saw delivery trucks, and I saw people taking on the world one step at a time. I returned home with a new sense of purpose, a spring in my step that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
I won’t sit here and tell you that I got better immediately. I will say that every time I felt a remote bit of sadness or lack of motivation, I put my snowshoes on and went out into the world. I got lost exploring the trails of my city that I never bothered to explore before. I met up with friends and introduced them to a sport that meant so much to me. I conquered mountains and hills and treks I didn’t think I could do. Snowshoeing pushed me to be better in life. I absolutely feel that if I hadn’t gotten on my snowshoes this year, my world would be a lot different right now with a lot more darkness. It opened something up inside me and I didn’t feel alone anymore. An online community of snowshoers provided support, a team of friends and family surrounded me and you; the readers, you made me go out there and do it.
Mental Illness is a very real and scary thing and as more people speak out about it; the more people will feel comfortable talking about it. For more information on mental illness and how you can make a difference in someone’s life please go to www.cmha.ca